today i would have been holding you.
we would have gotten up extra early to gather our hospital bags and make sure we had everything we needed. your big brothers would be sleeping softly at nana's house, waking up to a text and photo from us of your sweet little face, and they'd jump for joy and shout your name. we would have been driving to the hospital, anxious and nervous, but mostly ecstatic to meet you. once there, we would check in and i would get put in a bed and set up with a iv and they'd start to monitor you. we'd probably wait for what would seem like forever (because they always have you come to the hospital at an ungodly hour and make you wait an ungodly amount of time for what seems like absolutely no reason whatsoever before they're actually ready for you to go). they'd get the page that dr. kromhout was there, they'd wheel me into the operating room, give me the good ol' spinal, prep me for surgery, and in the doctor would walk. he'd no doubt joke about whether or not i'd have another red-haired baby or if i'd be thankful for not having to labor in this gross heat wave we have going on today. maybe he'd offer that tummy tuck i'd been asking for with your big brothers this whole time? and then i would feel your entire energy leave the womb and you'd take your first breath while we were still tethered together by the tree of life. your daddy would be crying right now, if not this whole time, and i would be taking this moment to absorb you all in-your smell, your touch, your hair, your eyes, you breath-as they place you on my chest, our hearts beating together as you wail in my ear (or maybe you'd have come out quiet, observing this new world you just entered, serene and perfect, just like your big brother oliver). they'd close me up while they check you out, then together-skin to skin-we'd be wheeled into the recovery room where you'd taste your first drop of milk and finally wrap your precious hand around my finger as you suckle. right now, at this moment, we'd be napping together as my compression socks lulled me in and out of sleep, hazily admiring you and the sweet smile you just gave because you farted. daddy would take you and keep you for a bit, relishing (his favorite word) in the wonders of us creating you, and wondering how we ever got so lucky. big brothers oliver and joseph would come with nana so they can fall in love and call you theirs. joseph would probably not stop saying "baby" and oliver would be on binky duty and then they'd probably ask if you could share their jello. did you know that jello is my all time favorite thing to eat at the hospital? i can't quit that orangey goodness. and then as the day wound down and we settle in to sleep, daddy and i would just gaze at you until we just couldn't keep our eyes open anymore.
that's how i envision today would have unfolded.
but i ache for you instead. your entire physical existence left me months ago and i get to have none of this. the only thing that remains is our love for you. which is enough. we will be planting a plum tree in our front yard in honor of you so we can watch it grow and your big brothers are lighting a candle on a cupcake to celebrate you, which we will do every year on today's date. your big sissy will be thinking of you, shedding tears over you, as she drives home from work tonight. we're holding onto those little things, hazel mae. because even though you were just with us for a short amount of time, you will still be with us forever and we will carry you in our hearts everywhere we go.
No comments:
Post a Comment