it's been over two months. i still miss you. some days i don't even (consciously) think about you and then when i realize i haven't, i start to feel guilty. it's kind of silly, really, to feel that way, but i do. some days i don't think about your sister or brother oliver when they're with their dad and that's okay. but i think i feel guilty with you because you're no longer with us and i should be thinking about you all the time. right?
yesterday out of the blue oliver said, 'hazel mae is so beautiful.' it caught me off guard. i replied, 'she would have been so beautiful. what made you think of that, baby?' and he said, 'it was deep down in my throat and i just had to say it.' then we talked a little bit about you and what color your eyes would have been (hazel, of course) and if you'd have blonde hair like your sister or red hair like your brothers. oliver seems to think you'd have pink hair, which i am totally okay with thinking that as well. i told him i used to have pink in my hair and he thought that was pretty cool. so now i've decided i am going to dye my hair pink again, for you, since your brother thinks you would have had pink hair. he got a little choked up talking about you and i think out of everyone besides me, he is the most affected by losing you. it's really sweet, but it hurts my heart. it hurts because he knows loss in such an intimate way at such a young age. it hurts because you matter. it mattered. losing you mattered.
i want you to know that i do miss you all the time. every day. even when i'm not thinking about you, i'm thinking about you. i'll try to not feel so guilty when the moments that i forget you're not growing in my belly anymore pass. i'll instead give myself some grace and understanding. and maybe, perhaps, when the tips of my hair are pink again, you'll be on my mind for always.
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